1) Spent at least 3 months already working there

Before each job interview, remember that you must already want to work there so much that you probably already work there. Otherwise, how would you know how much you want to work there? This is a great way to find out about the company culture and their products, as well as whether or not you are suitable for the job in question.

Alan Oboe, CIO, Interactive Rabbit: “Already having a job there shows commitment and passion. I would certainly think twice at employing someone I didn’t already employ unless they sucked, maybe”

2) Do not climb out of the window during the interview if you don’t have a pass to get out

Companies frown on this; they have spent a lot of time and money providing doors for their employees and visitors to enter and exit the building at will. Climbing out of the window implies that not only do you not care about this but you are also a maverick risk taker, and most companies do not want this. Furthermore, sometimes the windows are not on the ground floor, making this technique physically dangerous.

Klondike Delphi, Procurement Advisor at Elvis Xbox; “I would certainly think twice about employing someone who climbed out of a window. However, if they climbed in through the window, that would show ingenuity; though maybe it depends on which window”

3) Prepare some stock answers

Remember; at the interview the potential employer wants to know the real you, so it is a good idea to prepare some stock answers to make it harder for them to find this out. For example, when they ask how you might have resolved a conflict, it is best to not mention the time you killed a man.

Chester Kohandis, chief recruiter at Barclay Barclay Abs Consulting says “the best candidates look like they can think on their feet by preparing a complex yet consistent web of lies to create the impression of a suitable human being.”

4) Wear shoes

Listen: you aren’t some kind of mad hippy! Wear some damn shoes! It’s well known that 47% of first impressions are down to feet. The only time it is acceptable to not wear shoes is if you have fantastic feet – and even then, it’s best to ask beforehand.

Dole Vandatch, CEO, Aspire Systematics: “We used to get a lot of candidates without shoes on until we started to put a layer of broken glass outside our interview room.”

5) Do not fart unless the interviewer farts first

That’s just politeness.

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1) The Queen

The Queen is an old woman who lives in big houses and all she does is wear a big hat. Think about it: the cat in the hat isn’t real, the Mad Hatter isn’t real, the rock band Queen aren’t real, the old woman who lives in a shoe isn’t real – so why is the Queen?? Think about it. Think.

2) Batman

Despite documentary evidence, including drawings dating back to the 1930s, Batman does not exist. He is actually the product of comics artist DC “Bruce” Wayne “Comics”, a popular shamen from Metropolis.

3) The Fresh Prince

The Fresh Prince is not real, he is a character in a TV show. However, the actor Will Smith is real, although nothing else is.

1) Me

This article was pre-written by a computer. Also, you imagined it.

2) You

You do not exist. I imagined you, after you imagined me. Perhaps. This explains the general half-arsedness of this article. If you were real you would have imagined something better.

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 1) Death Bridge, London

Death Bridge in London was opened in 1943 in order to confuse potential nazi invaders. To cross it drivers must accelerate to 90 miles an hour, ride up the side and go across the top or turn into a boat.

2) The (Death) Science Lab, Micro Machines 96

This road is incredibly dangerous; you have to wait until the sponges line up.

3) Death Avenue, San Diego

Built in 1742 by early Spanish settlers, Death Avenue features flying cars and dinosaurs. In those days, travellers used to take extra horses to feed to the dinosaur, but tourists these days are simple advised to carry surplus steaks. It’s much safer these days but still 19 people die there each day.

4) Death Boat Road

The only road to cross the Pacific, Death Boat Road is a floating road. Not only does that mean it sways from side to side in choppy weather, but it also features a large number of gaps between sections and also the risk of fighter jets landing on you. It’s certainly not for the faint hearted!

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1) I Eat Your Grave! (Sergio Lorenzo, 1976)

If “Once, Twice, Three Times I Kill” is Giallos’s Citizen Kane, then surely Lorenzo’s “I Eat Your Grave” is it’s Magnificent Ambersons. Like Orson Welles, Lorenzo’s lesser known follow-up was butchered, both literally and metaphorically, by his producer Klaus.

Clocking in at over 19 hours, Lorenzo’s masterpiece features Pachinko Robinson as civil servant Hatvil Unger who, while investigating who has stolen his wife, finds himself trapped in a dark netherworld of intrigue, murder and despair. Sadly the original soundtrack, like Lorenzo himself, is presumed dead.

2) Death Mountain (Karl Hurwitz, 1980)

Like many of the copycats of George Romero’s Dead series, Death Mountain was initially ignored by critics and audiences alike. It was only in the late 1990s, after it was accidentally screened on Channel 5 on a Sunday afternoon, that it began to gain a cult following.

Featuring Thom Yorke in an early role, Death Mountain presents a dark apocalyptic nightmare in which dead cats return from the dead and stalk their previous masters. Sadly, the original opening scene – featuring 3 Hitlers on their death beds – has been lost, though the European cut does feature a scene with a robot in.

3) My Mother Is A Teen Aged Monster! (Alfred Oleg, 1956)

After being cursed by carnival dentist Roger Halloway, down-to-earth housewife is transformed into a 17-year-old fan of rock-and-roll music and eating corpses in this mid-century shocker.

The film, starring anonymous, so shocked 50s America that is was banned and hastily recut as the more well-known My Mother Disappeared For A Week.

Oleg’s career never really recovered, and his last credited directing job happened soon after.

4) SpikeFace Assassin (Clive Axel & Yuki Yakamoto, 1990)

Predating the Playstation by 5 years, SpikeFace Assassin combines the twin joys of that guy with the Spikey Face from Hellraiser with being a ninja. Devised by the twin  minds of cyberpunk heros Clive Axel and his alter-ego Yuki Yakamoto, the film epitomises the 1990s in a way that has not been seen before or since (the 1990s).

5) Line 20: Goto Death (Everead Kalede, 1988)

After a chance meeting with a spooky travelling hobo games developer, 19-year-old geek Gavin Humbrell gets drawn into a death-related text adventure. If he reaches the end, his prize is success with girls; if he dies – he really dies.

This incredibly authentic computer-related thriller featured a 20 minute title sequence and a deliberately faulty batch of reels that never loaded.

6) Man slices another man’s face off (unknown, 1898)

This film was found buried in a box in the back of a creepy house.

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The International Office ThinkTank of Ideation, an independent think tank run by me, has thought about the following electoral reforms which it will formally submit to some guy in time for the 2020 election.

We built a giant robot to use data and complex simulations to determine the pluses and minuses of each result. Full analysis of the algorithm and data sets are available within the robot. We cannot switch it off. It is coming.

1) A Giant Robot reads all the manifestos and calculates using science which will be best and selects MPs based on this.

CON: Cold analytical utilitarian approach to data may well result in the death of millions.
PRO: Improved economic growth and a strong manufacturing base.

2) A Giant Robot reads all the manifestos and calculates using science which will be best and selects MPs based on this.

CON: Cold analytical utilitarian approach to data may well result in the death of millions.
PRO: Improved economic growth and a strong manufacturing base.

3) A Giant Robot reads all the manifestos and calculates using science which will be best and selects MPs based on this.

CON: Cold analytical utilitarian approach to data may well result in the death of millions.
PRO: Improved economic growth and a strong manufacturing base.

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1) How difficult urinals are to use

Nothing worse about being a man then when you need to go the toilet and all that’s free are urinals! First, there’s the issue of deciding which one to use – do you choose the one next to the man wall? Or do you just pee against the wall? What about the sink? Some of those sinks might be urinals. Yeah why not. What let go of me leave me alone wait this isn’t the mens. Look it wasn’t me last time you must have be thinking of someone else.

2) Having to hold doors open for women

What’s this about! Women have hands too! This is awful. Not to mention the fact that if you hold the door for a man, they might think that you think they’re a woman and that would be embarrassing for everyone.  You can’t have it both ways ladies. Either hold the door open or don’t but don’t expect me to stand there just because I’m there already.

3) The constant pressure of being right about everything all the time

This is probably the worst thing. President Barack Obama, who is president of the americans, is constantly under pressure to be more right than most men and not even he can do it. Imagine what it’s like for men who aren’t as good as him – it’s far worse. Women will never understand this which is why less women are presidents than men.

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• Amazon.com add more server space each day than it needed for their entire service in 2006. But did you know that the River Amazon users more water than the whole of Amazon.com’s accounting division used in a single hour in 2012
• There is more memory in an eagle than went to the Moon
• There was more time between now and the end of the Second World War than there was between the 1880s and later
• The titular cast of Three Men and a Baby went on to have careers in acting as men and babies, but not the ones you’d think!
• There are more ants in your little finger than there are shoes on the Moon
• More photographs were taken in the past than in the whole of the future
• The average person has 4 legs
• Goats are considered a delicacy than the whole of the size of the Isle of Wight

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