Interior, Office of International Treaties and Spying; after party.
Lots of smart looking people are standing around drinking cocktails and nodding at eachother. Jonny Cooldad, a dashing and attractive man in his early 40′s, is talking to Joel Protege, his younger assistant.
Jonny: Yeah, it sure will be good to get to see my daughter after this conference is over.
Joel: Yeah, if being head of the Office of Prevention of All Kinds of Disasters isn’t enough to reconcile the relationship with your teenage daughter, I don’t know what is.
Jonny: It’s my stupid ex-wife. I dunno, ever since the divorce…
Joel: You know that wasn’t your fault, Jonny, what with your job…
Jonny: That’s my problem, Joel, all the time I was looking towards my work to find fulfilment: but all the time I wasn’t looking towards what was really important: my family.
A man in his mid-50s appears
Professor Doc: Fascinating speech, Dr Cooldad. Professor Doc, Delaware University. Do you really believe that its remotely possible that we could be heading towards some kind of global disaster?
Jonny: It’s a remote possibility, yes. Like I said in my speech, the chances are one in a million, yet it’s vitally important that we spend billions of dollars on preventative methods.
Doc: I agree entirely.
A shifty looking man appears
Senator Jobsworth: Interesting speech, there, Dr Cooldad. I’ve been watching you very closely recently.
Jonny: You must be Senator Jobsworth. It’s a pleasure to meet you at last. I’m so glad that your predecessor greenlit our department with all those funds that you were going to spend on defence.
Jobsworth: Well, I trust it will be money well spent, Dr Cooldad. But I will be watching you very closely.
Jonny: Do you think the senate will accept our Disaster Prevention Proposal?
Jobsworth: I’ll be honest with you, Dr Cooldad. Most people in congress don’t like you. They think your department is a waste of money. Especially me. I see the chances of you getting full funding to be very slim.
Jonny: Let me tell you, Mr Jobsworth, that ignoring our proposal would be very foolish indeed.
Jobsworth: We shall see. Goodbye, Dr Cooldad.
Senator Jobsworth exits
Joel: Don’t worry, Jonny, he’s just jealous that you’re rich & good looking and have a supermodel girlfriend. He might also be jealous of your Olympic gold medals in high jump & javelin.
Jonny: Yeah, but how often do I need to throw a javelin or do a high-jump? Oh no! I’m 25 minutes late to pick up my daughter from the airport!
It is a really messy room. A scruffy-looking man is sat there at his desk drinking a cup of tea. On his desk is a picture of his wife and kids. There is a poster of David Beckham on the wall, and a Union Flag. He is Jack Doomedman, 35-year-old father of 4. Suddenly his computer screen starts flashing
Jack: Bloody hell! What the hell is this?
He picks up the phone & dials
Jack: Dave, Dave… come and have a look at this!
Dr Dave Hero enters
Dave: What in blue blazes have you got me out of bed for at this hour, Jack! I’m going to see Arsenal play tonight and am in no need for your… what’s that?!
Jack: It’s happening all over. The numbers are all over the place.
Dave:: The numbers are too large for it to be a natural change…
Jack: Probably faulty equipment. I’ll check the protocol scanners.
Dave: I just did. They’re fine.
The pair look at eachother in realisation
International Airport. A car pulls up in front of an attractive looking woman who looks 22 but is meant to be 16. She is Elizabeth Pretty, Jonny’s daughter. She gets in the car.
Elizabeth: Thanks, Dad…
Joel: Sorry, your dad couldn’t pick you up. Something came up.
Elizabeth: Hmph. Stupid dad.
Joel: You know, your dad’s a busy man. Just now he was at a very important meeting with many top politicians
Elizabeth: You mean he’s drunk again?
Joel: Er, well, he can’t drive if that’s what you mean.
Elizabeth: He obviously doesn’t care about me that much. If he really cared, he would have gone to see me during the Orchestra Idol finals just then.
Joel: Hey, your dad really does care about you. He watched it every night on TV and voted twice each time for you.
Elizabeth: Whatever! And stop looking down my top and look at the road. You’re old enough to be my dad.
Joel: I’m 32!
Joel: Tell me, Elizabeth, why do you have a different surname to your father?
Elizabeth: Oh, that’s simply because I took my mother’s surname, and its not a plothole, so stop complaining.
Joel: That’s very interesting, thank you. I’m glad that issue was resolved and we can now return to the story.
The Office For Political Politicians and Policy.
Jonny Cooldad is in the bathroom straightening his tie and checking his hair looks nice. Senator Jobsworth enters
Jobsworth: I hope you have a strong case, Cooldad, otherwise my party is going to stop funding in your disaster prevention thingy.
Jonny: You’re such a mean and bad man, Senator Jobsworth, I hope you get your comeuppance about two-thirds of the way through the film.
Jobsworth: Pah! You’ll be so discredited by then that nobody will care about you. Ha ha ha!
Jobsworth enters a cubicle. Jonny mutters obscenities to himself. Suddenly his phone rings. He takes out his Nokia Mega-o-phome 553-10, casually showing it to the camera.
Jonny: Hello?… what?… its not just a malfunction?…. no? Well, ok. This is terrible.
Jonny looks shocked and terrified.
Jobsworth: Ha ha ha! You look terrified, Cooldad.
Jonny: I’m going to have to leave, something terrible has happened.
Jobsworth: Leave now, Professor Cooldad, and you will definitely not get any kind of funding AT ALL. Ha ha ha!
Jonny Cooldad’s house, america. Joel and Elizabeth enter.
Joel: So, er, erm… I was wondering if you, er, maybe fancied catching a movie tonight?
Elizabeth: Get away from me, you creep! You’re old enough to be my father!
Joel: I’m 32! How old are you, anyway? 22?
Joel: Aaah. Sorry. Er… how old is your mum?
Elizabeth: She’s 40, but looks 32.
Joel: Excellent. Er, I’m not a creepy weirdo by the way. I’m just concerned that I’m the character least likely to get a romantic interest in this script.
Elizabeth: Oh, ok. Hey, look, Dad’s on the news.
The Office For Political Politicians and Policy, conference hall
Jonny is talking to lots of people in a bit stage in front of lots of politicians
Jonny: Just now I have had reports from my respected British friend Dr Dave Hero in Stratford, England, that such a phenomenon is already happening. Right after this meeting I intend to confirm this with other sources. More funding is required not only for preventative methods, but now for methods to curb the damage which will occur.
Senator Jobsworth: Dr Cooldad, surely the fact that this is already happening is proof of the ineffectiveness of your methods?
Jonny: Er, that was lack of funding. You’ve never liked me anyway.
Jobsworth: True, but that’s mainly because of your inexplicably attractive ex-wife and girlfriend, your natural charisma and vast intellect. We vote to cut all your funding, so that it will be impossible to prevent this inevitable disaster.
Jonny: No! You idiots! You don’t know what you’re doing!
Somewhere in Iran. Some stereotyped Arabs are doing something that’s actually a really offensive stereotype, like cutting the hands of a prisoner. Suddenly it starts raining frogs. Everyone runs off in panic, except for the man who was about to have his hands cut off, who looks really happy.
Somewhere in France. Some stereotyped French are doing something that’s actually a really offensive stereotype, like being rude to an englishman. Suddenly a crack appears in the ground and something stereotypically french falls in it, like a beret, a baguette or the Eiffel Tower or something.
Jack and Dave’s offices, England
Jack: We’re picking up obscure patterns on the German seaboard.
Dave: That can mean only one thing – the rate of the phenomena has intensified. We need to call the President right now.
Jack: Don’t you mean Prime Minister? We’re English.
Dave: You’re right. Get me the Queen!
Jack: Crikey, if only my wife and kids could see me now; about to ring up the Queen. I’m so glad I only have another week before I can see them. Dave, have I shown you my picture of them today?
Dave: Yes. Three times. And I keep telling you, they aren’t your kids. Those pictures came with the wallet.
Buckingham Palace, London, England. A butler is walking about. The phone starts ringing. The butler picks it up.
Butler: Good day, Her Majesty’s Palace of Buckingham. I’m terrible sorry but her majesty does not take personal calls…. what was that you say?… I shall inform her Majesty right away.
He hangs up and looks determined.
Butler: This is a case for The Queen of England.
Jonny Cooldad’s house
Elizabeth: You’re creepy and weird, Joel. I’m going over to Jessie’s to watch DVDs and talk about boys.
Joel:: What do you mean I’m creepy?
Elizabeth:: You keep breathing heavily and licking your lips when you look at me. Then you keep saying “I love you” under your breath.
Joel:: That, er, wasn’t me. At least, well, it was the first time. But the other times it was, er, the wind.
Elizabeth:: Whatever. And that’s another thing. The wind.
Joel:: That’s a proper condition. I’m getting pills for that. Anyway, I seem to be turning into a creepy weirdo. I’m meant to be your dad’s loyal sidekick.
The phone rings. Joel picks it up
Impressive split screen effect with Jonny Cooldad on his mobile phone.
Jonny: Joel. Is Elizabeth there?
Jonny: I need to speak with her urgently.
Joel: OK. Elizabeth, your dad wants to speak to you.
Elizabeth: He should have thought about that before he put his career before being a good father. He’s going to have to reconcile his relationship with me, and the only way I can see that happening is if he saves me from almost certain death!
Jonny: OK, well, tell her that she must go immediately to the Disaster Shelter that we have under our house and stay there.
Joel: Oooh can I stay there too?
Jonny: No. I need you to get here immediately.
A news report. A reporter is stood in Red Square.
Reporter: That’s right, Jack, the mysterious phenomenon seems to have hit Moscow. 17,000 people have reported seeing this disasterous thing nearby.
Voice of Jack (the anchorman):: 17,000. Gee whizz.
TO BE CONTINUED…
this content originally posted on Mikeynet, 21/5/2005