Category Archives: script

The Stars In Space, She Cried

Digging in the archives of we have unearthed an unpublished edition of the first chapter of the novel The Stars In Space She Cried by author T. Hermann T. T. Heimlich. Born in New York City in 1921 Heimlich worked as a car salesman for 17 years sending short stories to Incredible Weirdness and Weirdness Fantasy magazines before hitting the big time with his Backspace Trilogy in 1951. He died eventually in 1982

The Harrison Converter span up, taking Caspian by surprise. It had been a long time since he had seen one of them working; they had been superseded by the superior McKenzie Defibrillator at some time in the ‘30s. The Harrison Converter was a simple device, he remembered, for converting disrupted ions into the polar reverse; the upshot of this was that for the first time mankind had a usable anti-gravity device. Soon after it’s invention, humans had for the first time been able to colonise the solar system.

Caspian examined the Converter. “It’s working now,” he said.

Kelvin nodded. “Thanks, Caspian,” she said.

Kelvin was a woman of around 30. Caspian found her incredibly attractive, with long, blonde hair and stunning figure, he noted to himself. I heard that in the past they didn’t even let women be work in space let alone people’s bosses, he remembered, but I suppose if you’re going to give robots rights you might as well give them to women.

He advanced his Psy-Clasp to decrease the chances of his thoughts being read as they passed through the high altitude Raspian field. There had been plenty of tales, possibly apocryphal, of the Sol-Police using the brain wave distortion inherent in crossing the field to read the minds of passing individuals and Caspian was taking no chances.

“Hold my hand” he said to Kelvin. She nodded. They stepped into the Raspian field.

Suddenly the ship lurched to the left. “The Olmos!” she cried out, “they’ve found us!”

It had been a long time since The Olmos had been seen in remote space, let alone close space. Why would they have come here? Stupid! He took a Harrison Converter through a Raspian field. That was never going to work without creating some kind of Selz ripples throughout the galaxy – exactly the kind of Selz ripples the Olmos fed on. Coupling that with the magnification from the higher rating on the Psy-Clasp, it was inevitable. He swore loudly at his own idiocy. In the past, he remembered, it would have been really rude to swear when ladies were present. Now women were almost equal, it was the least of his worries.

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Here is an excerpt from the new draft of the script by me.

SCENE: The future. We are in space. Then we pan back – we are actually in a garden. We pan back some more. A garden in a space ship! A woman is sat there with a girl of about 10. The woman is our heroine ELLEN RIPLEY.

RIPLEY: I’m so glad I managed to get back in time for your 11th birthday. I had an awful nightmare where I couldn’t because of an alien or something.

AMANDA: That’s OK Mom. You got home after an uneventful mission doing mining or whatever it is you do in space. And now we can live happily ever after and stuff.

RIPLEY: Yes. Wait…

RIPLEY winces. She clutches her stomach. It is as if something is trying to burst out of her!! A passing cat hisses. AMANDA screams as we see a bulge in RIPLEY’S stomach


Another spaceship. RIPLEY is now older. It’s the SULACO! The one they’re in in Aliens. HICKS and NEWT and BISHOP are there too! BISHOP has fixed himself.

RIPLEY: What an awful dream. I dreamt that none of this had happened, and then it had. It didn’t make much sense, but it certainly set the scene.

HICKS: Yes. The vivid one about the prison planet where we all died? Or the more confusing one where you died and there was Winona Ryder? Never mind; it was all a dream and it Never Happened.

RIPLEY: Yes; all that happened was the first 2 traumatic things with the aliens, which is much more tolerable. I sure hope no aliens got on board this ship.

BISHOP: That wouldn’t make any sense. The only thing that would make any sense was that this was all a bad, bad dream.

RIPLEY: Wait a second – this is a dream – I’m in my underwear!

BISHOP: Yes; you’ve just come out of cryosleep.

RIPLEY: And I’m in an exam!

RIPLEY is in an EXAM

The person in front of her turns around. It’s an alien! 

ALIEN: Hisssssssssss

A CAT: Hissssssss

BISHOP: Hisssssssss

RIPLEY wakes up. She is on the set of Alien Vs Predator.

RIPLEY: NO! Noooo!!!!

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Disaster Movie Script

Interior, Office of International Treaties and Spying; after party.

Lots of smart looking people are standing around drinking cocktails and nodding at eachother. Jonny Cooldad, a dashing and attractive man in his early 40′s, is talking to Joel Protege, his younger assistant.

Jonny: Yeah, it sure will be good to get to see my daughter after this conference is over.
Joel: Yeah, if being head of the Office of Prevention of All Kinds of Disasters isn’t enough to reconcile the relationship with your teenage daughter, I don’t know what is.
Jonny: It’s my stupid ex-wife. I dunno, ever since the divorce…
Joel: You know that wasn’t your fault, Jonny, what with your job…
Jonny: That’s my problem, Joel, all the time I was looking towards my work to find fulfilment: but all the time I wasn’t looking towards what was really important: my family.
A man in his mid-50s appears
Professor Doc: Fascinating speech, Dr Cooldad. Professor Doc, Delaware University. Do you really believe that its remotely possible that we could be heading towards some kind of global disaster?
Jonny: It’s a remote possibility, yes. Like I said in my speech, the chances are one in a million, yet it’s vitally important that we spend billions of dollars on preventative methods.
Doc: I agree entirely.
A shifty looking man appears
Senator Jobsworth: Interesting speech, there, Dr Cooldad. I’ve been watching you very closely recently.
Jonny: You must be Senator Jobsworth. It’s a pleasure to meet you at last. I’m so glad that your predecessor greenlit our department with all those funds that you were going to spend on defence.
Jobsworth: Well, I trust it will be money well spent, Dr Cooldad. But I will be watching you very closely.
Jonny: Do you think the senate will accept our Disaster Prevention Proposal?
Jobsworth: I’ll be honest with you, Dr Cooldad. Most people in congress don’t like you. They think your department is a waste of money. Especially me. I see the chances of you getting full funding to be very slim.
Jonny: Let me tell you, Mr Jobsworth, that ignoring our proposal would be very foolish indeed.
Jobsworth: We shall see. Goodbye, Dr Cooldad.
Senator Jobsworth exits
Joel: Don’t worry, Jonny, he’s just jealous that you’re rich & good looking and have a supermodel girlfriend. He might also be jealous of your Olympic gold medals in high jump & javelin.
Jonny: Yeah, but how often do I need to throw a javelin or do a high-jump? Oh no! I’m 25 minutes late to pick up my daughter from the airport!

It is a really messy room. A scruffy-looking man is sat there at his desk drinking a cup of tea. On his desk is a picture of his wife and kids. There is a poster of David Beckham on the wall, and a Union Flag. He is Jack Doomedman, 35-year-old father of 4. Suddenly his computer screen starts flashing

Jack: Bloody hell! What the hell is this?
He picks up the phone & dials
Jack: Dave, Dave… come and have a look at this!
Dr Dave Hero enters
Dave: What in blue blazes have you got me out of bed for at this hour, Jack! I’m going to see Arsenal play tonight and am in no need for your… what’s that?!
Jack: It’s happening all over. The numbers are all over the place.
Dave:: The numbers are too large for it to be a natural change…
Jack: Probably faulty equipment. I’ll check the protocol scanners.
Dave: I just did. They’re fine.
The pair look at eachother in realisation
Both:Blimmin’ ‘eck!

International Airport. A car pulls up in front of an attractive looking woman who looks 22 but is meant to be 16. She is Elizabeth Pretty, Jonny’s daughter. She gets in the car.

Elizabeth: Thanks, Dad…
Joel: Sorry, your dad couldn’t pick you up. Something came up.
Elizabeth: Hmph. Stupid dad.
Joel: You know, your dad’s a busy man. Just now he was at a very important meeting with many top politicians
Elizabeth: You mean he’s drunk again?
Joel: Er, well, he can’t drive if that’s what you mean.
Elizabeth: He obviously doesn’t care about me that much. If he really cared, he would have gone to see me during the Orchestra Idol finals just then.
Joel: Hey, your dad really does care about you. He watched it every night on TV and voted twice each time for you.
Elizabeth: Whatever! And stop looking down my top and look at the road. You’re old enough to be my dad.
Joel: I’m 32!
Elizabeth: Whatever.
Joel: Tell me, Elizabeth, why do you have a different surname to your father?
Elizabeth: Oh, that’s simply because I took my mother’s surname, and its not a plothole, so stop complaining.
Joel: That’s very interesting, thank you. I’m glad that issue was resolved and we can now return to the story.

The Office For Political Politicians and Policy.
Jonny Cooldad is in the bathroom straightening his tie and checking his hair looks nice. Senator Jobsworth enters

Jobsworth: I hope you have a strong case, Cooldad, otherwise my party is going to stop funding in your disaster prevention thingy.
Jonny: You’re such a mean and bad man, Senator Jobsworth, I hope you get your comeuppance about two-thirds of the way through the film.
Jobsworth: Pah! You’ll be so discredited by then that nobody will care about you. Ha ha ha!
Jobsworth enters a cubicle. Jonny mutters obscenities to himself. Suddenly his phone rings. He takes out his Nokia Mega-o-phome 553-10, casually showing it to the camera.
Jonny: Hello?… what?… its not just a malfunction?…. no? Well, ok. This is terrible.
Jonny looks shocked and terrified.
Jobsworth: Ha ha ha! You look terrified, Cooldad.
Jonny: I’m going to have to leave, something terrible has happened.
Jobsworth: Leave now, Professor Cooldad, and you will definitely not get any kind of funding AT ALL. Ha ha ha!

Jonny Cooldad’s house, america. Joel and Elizabeth enter.

Joel: So, er, erm… I was wondering if you, er, maybe fancied catching a movie tonight?
Elizabeth: Get away from me, you creep! You’re old enough to be my father!
Joel: I’m 32! How old are you, anyway? 22?
Elizabeth: 16.
Joel: Aaah. Sorry. Er… how old is your mum?
Elizabeth: She’s 40, but looks 32.
Joel: Excellent. Er, I’m not a creepy weirdo by the way. I’m just concerned that I’m the character least likely to get a romantic interest in this script.
Elizabeth: Oh, ok. Hey, look, Dad’s on the news.

The Office For Political Politicians and Policy, conference hall
Jonny is talking to lots of people in a bit stage in front of lots of politicians

Jonny: Just now I have had reports from my respected British friend Dr Dave Hero in Stratford, England, that such a phenomenon is already happening. Right after this meeting I intend to confirm this with other sources. More funding is required not only for preventative methods, but now for methods to curb the damage which will occur.
Senator Jobsworth: Dr Cooldad, surely the fact that this is already happening is proof of the ineffectiveness of your methods?
Jonny: Er, that was lack of funding. You’ve never liked me anyway.
Jobsworth: True, but that’s mainly because of your inexplicably attractive ex-wife and girlfriend, your natural charisma and vast intellect. We vote to cut all your funding, so that it will be impossible to prevent this inevitable disaster.
Jonny: No! You idiots! You don’t know what you’re doing!

Somewhere in Iran. Some stereotyped Arabs are doing something that’s actually a really offensive stereotype, like cutting the hands of a prisoner. Suddenly it starts raining frogs. Everyone runs off in panic, except for the man who was about to have his hands cut off, who looks really happy.

Somewhere in France. Some stereotyped French are doing something that’s actually a really offensive stereotype, like being rude to an englishman. Suddenly a crack appears in the ground and something stereotypically french falls in it, like a beret, a baguette or the Eiffel Tower or something.

Jack and Dave’s offices, England

Jack: We’re picking up obscure patterns on the German seaboard.
Dave: That can mean only one thing – the rate of the phenomena has intensified. We need to call the President right now.
Jack: Don’t you mean Prime Minister? We’re English.
Dave: You’re right. Get me the Queen!
Jack: Crikey, if only my wife and kids could see me now; about to ring up the Queen. I’m so glad I only have another week before I can see them. Dave, have I shown you my picture of them today?
Dave: Yes. Three times. And I keep telling you, they aren’t your kids. Those pictures came with the wallet.

Buckingham Palace, London, England. A butler is walking about. The phone starts ringing. The butler picks it up.

Butler: Good day, Her Majesty’s Palace of Buckingham. I’m terrible sorry but her majesty does not take personal calls…. what was that you say?… I shall inform her Majesty right away.
He hangs up and looks determined.
Butler: This is a case for The Queen of England.

Jonny Cooldad’s house
Elizabeth: You’re creepy and weird, Joel. I’m going over to Jessie’s to watch DVDs and talk about boys.
Joel:: What do you mean I’m creepy?
Elizabeth:: You keep breathing heavily and licking your lips when you look at me. Then you keep saying “I love you” under your breath.
Joel:: That, er, wasn’t me. At least, well, it was the first time. But the other times it was, er, the wind.
Elizabeth:: Whatever. And that’s another thing. The wind.
Joel:: That’s a proper condition. I’m getting pills for that. Anyway, I seem to be turning into a creepy weirdo. I’m meant to be your dad’s loyal sidekick.
The phone rings. Joel picks it up
Impressive split screen effect with Jonny Cooldad on his mobile phone.
Jonny: Joel. Is Elizabeth there?
Joel: Yeah
Jonny: I need to speak with her urgently.
Joel: OK. Elizabeth, your dad wants to speak to you.
Elizabeth: He should have thought about that before he put his career before being a good father. He’s going to have to reconcile his relationship with me, and the only way I can see that happening is if he saves me from almost certain death!
Jonny: OK, well, tell her that she must go immediately to the Disaster Shelter that we have under our house and stay there.
Joel: Oooh can I stay there too?
Jonny: No. I need you to get here immediately.

A news report. A reporter is stood in Red Square.
Reporter: That’s right, Jack, the mysterious phenomenon seems to have hit Moscow. 17,000 people have reported seeing this disasterous thing nearby.
Voice of Jack (the anchorman):: 17,000. Gee whizz.


this content originally posted on Mikeynet, 21/5/2005

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