The Stars In Space, She Cried

Digging in the archives of we have unearthed an unpublished edition of the first chapter of the novel The Stars In Space She Cried by author T. Hermann T. T. Heimlich. Born in New York City in 1921 Heimlich worked as a car salesman for 17 years sending short stories to Incredible Weirdness and Weirdness Fantasy magazines before hitting the big time with his Backspace Trilogy in 1951. He died eventually in 1982

The Harrison Converter span up, taking Caspian by surprise. It had been a long time since he had seen one of them working; they had been superseded by the superior McKenzie Defibrillator at some time in the ‘30s. The Harrison Converter was a simple device, he remembered, for converting disrupted ions into the polar reverse; the upshot of this was that for the first time mankind had a usable anti-gravity device. Soon after it’s invention, humans had for the first time been able to colonise the solar system.

Caspian examined the Converter. “It’s working now,” he said.

Kelvin nodded. “Thanks, Caspian,” she said.

Kelvin was a woman of around 30. Caspian found her incredibly attractive, with long, blonde hair and stunning figure, he noted to himself. I heard that in the past they didn’t even let women be work in space let alone people’s bosses, he remembered, but I suppose if you’re going to give robots rights you might as well give them to women.

He advanced his Psy-Clasp to decrease the chances of his thoughts being read as they passed through the high altitude Raspian field. There had been plenty of tales, possibly apocryphal, of the Sol-Police using the brain wave distortion inherent in crossing the field to read the minds of passing individuals and Caspian was taking no chances.

“Hold my hand” he said to Kelvin. She nodded. They stepped into the Raspian field.

Suddenly the ship lurched to the left. “The Olmos!” she cried out, “they’ve found us!”

It had been a long time since The Olmos had been seen in remote space, let alone close space. Why would they have come here? Stupid! He took a Harrison Converter through a Raspian field. That was never going to work without creating some kind of Selz ripples throughout the galaxy – exactly the kind of Selz ripples the Olmos fed on. Coupling that with the magnification from the higher rating on the Psy-Clasp, it was inevitable. He swore loudly at his own idiocy. In the past, he remembered, it would have been really rude to swear when ladies were present. Now women were almost equal, it was the least of his worries.

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Galactic Empire Elections: who should you vote for?

It’s time for the first election of the New Republic’s Supreme Chancellor. Each of the major parties will decide their candidates. Here they are

The Galactic Freedom Party

billy-dee-williams_sc_768x1024Lando Calrissian

A veteran of the Rebellion and pilot of the Millennium Falcon when it destroyed the second Death Star, Lando Calrissian once ran a promising mining factory on the planet Bespin. He is pro-business, pro-free trade and pro-small government, and promises to run the New Republic in a way which favours the small businessman.

PRO:  Shrewd businessman. Blew up Death Star.
CON: No political experience; Scoundrel.


Alan Binks

Son of former Naboo senator Jar Jar Binks, and former King of Naboo, Alan Binks has a proven track record in strong leadership and bringing about increased wealth and managing to prevent any trade disputes. Despite helping to foster equality between the humans and the Gunguns on the planet Naboo, Binks is stanchly anti-Ewok, blaming the increasing unemployment in his sector on their increased immigration.

PRO: Strong leadership
CON: Awful racist. Fascist.

Independent Freedom Party


Ponda Baba

Ponda Baba doesn’t like you. However, with his PHds in Galactic Politics & Economics, and history of avoiding the Galactic Empire, the former independant Aqualish businessman has a lot of experience to offer. Even though he has a chin that looks like a bum, Ponda is guaranteed to be straight-talking and stand up for minority rights.

Ponda wants a return to small government and promises to keep the number of Jedi to an absolute minimum.

While for a long time holding a personal animosity against Luke Skywalker for losing his arm, the two have since reconciled after bumping into eachother at an Arms fair. Despite this camaraderie, the two were fierce rivals politically until Skywalker’s mysterious disappearance.

PRO: Strong economic experience.
CON: Doesn’t like you. His friend doesn’t like you either. You should watch yourself.

image_da9047ccScott D. Crumb

The descendent of great Hutt-pet Salacious B Crumb, Scott D. Crumb promises to shrink the government in order to increase the power of the Huttese government. The Hutts, Crumb claims, have run the outer systems well, bring peace, prosperity and podracing to the formerly warring tribes in places such as Tatooine and the Dave System.

PRO: Strong, Pro-business stance
CON: Lifespan of only 6 years; may die suddenly of rabies.

The Liberal Democrats

Nick CleggNick Clegg

Nick Clegg grew up in Buckinghamshire with his two brothers and sister. His mother is Dutch and his father is half Russian, which influenced Nick’s internationalist outlook and linguistic ability – he speaks French, German, Spanish and Dutch.

Nick was elected leader of the Liberal Democrats in December 2007. Following the election in 2010, Nick took the party into government as part of the first Coalition in the UK since the Second World War, where he put Liberal Democrat policies into practice for the first time – the £800 income tax cut, the £2.5b pupil premium, legislating for gay marriage, introducing shared parental leave, the list goes on and on.

PRO: Political experience and accumen
CON: Liberal Democrat

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World’s Craziest Buildings – Don’t stop until you’ve read at least 2!

 1. The President’s House, USA

To the casual observer The President’s House looks very much like the famous Mount Rushmore – but that’s because they are one and the same! When the President of the USA, or any other President, wishes to have some peace and quiet this is where they go and hang out.

Built in 1951 by a President, the President’s House contains 17 rooms and a pool table! Rumour has it that originally the face of each President would speak and sing songs of their time in office, but this was cancelled by Nixon as “annoying”, Whatever the truth of those tales, it certainly is a building shaped of faces.

2. The Moon, Space

moonSince time immemorial man has wanted to visit the moon, but it is too far away to visit and so it will probably never happen. But that’s how the owner of the moon, Dennis Moon, probably likes it! He build the moon in 1919 to avoid the invention of the trouser press which he irrationally feared would cause a shortage of silicon. This was a fairly common worry at the time.

Moon built the moon using 700,000 tonnes of space rock which he mined out of what is now the sea. He managed to get the moon in orbit by sheer force of will by forcing congress to extend the height of Alaska. Dennis died soon after from being in space but his dream – the moon – lives on.

3. This birdhouse, Canada


Whoa! Is that a tiny house on a pole with a bird going in?? Yes it is! Unbelievably this “bird house” was built by Canadian poker player Priven Mehetmahide in his back garden! Mehetmahide originally intended this house for his children, who were aged 19 and 32 at the time, but the pole proved too high and so he converted it into a little house for passing birds! Inside is a working toaster, bathtub and swingball set! This sure is a great home for little birds.

4. The Cow, Dubai

Cow_female_black_whiteDubai is no stranger to odd buildings – the oil-rich Emirate is home to the Sarlacc, the Battle Pole and the Spiderman 3 to name but a few – but none are so strange as The Cow.

Designed to look and smell very much like an actual cow, The Cow is actually an enormous shopping complex with as much floor space as 6 big Asdas. The grass all around was shipped in from Norway and must be watered with 700,000 gallons of mineral water each day.

It is unknown who built The Cow, but it is said that should it leave, or run out of milk, Dubai will return to the sands from whence it came.

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New Radiohead Album Preview Track-by-Track with Thom Yorke All True No Lies OK

Hi I’m Thom Yorke and secretly we have made a new Radiohead album. I say secretly; it is kind of our job and it’s a bit like saying Carphone Warehouse have secretly been selling phones. BUT ANYWAY being famous is hard.

1. [ X ]

“This is a song about the last election.”

2. Connect Alienation (The Leviathan)

“Jonny and me always used to listen to Miles Davis and he used to do this thing with his trumpet that made it sound like a purple bassoon; that’s the kind of thing we tried to do on here, only with more electronic equipment. Lyrically, it’s about capitalism”

2. The Spandex Revels

“Phil has one of those shakey instruments – maracas? That’s the one. He shakes them sometimes when we’re doing songs that don’t need drumming or computers. Anyway, when we were touring in South Korea in the late 90s he came across these electronic maracas that we used in OK Computer, to do the robot voice bit on Fitter Happier. Anyway, 15 years later, we were in South Wales looking for a Greggs and this song kind of popped into my head like I guess they did for Florian Schneider. Anyway, it’s mainly about a new ice age.”

3. Track 2

“Jonny’s always had this idea about doing an album that’s mainly made of track 2′s – except track 1, obviously – hence why there’s 2 track 2s and track 3 is called track 2. There’s a kind of ghost echo which I guess represents capitalism and Nigel reversed the whole thing and made it Spanish so it’s also about Obama.”

4. Slash/Slash/Slash

“As a band we used to embrace computers, what with me and Stanley using them to write emails to eachother, and also I had one of those blue iMacs. But in the past few years with streaming and also pitchfork the music industry is collapsing into a  farting death spiral, brought about mainly due to record companies being run by idiots. So we wrote a song about it. The main refrain, ‘you stamp on us, you stamp on us, you stamp on us’ is taken from a text the owners of EMI sent to us before they went bust. Also, my iMac broke and at the Apple store they said I’d voided the warranty because I tried to use it in the sea”

5. Crunchy Wi-Fi Interlude

“This is a kind of sequel to Fitter Happier that I wrote when chatting to Jonny about Rasputin – the man, not the song. He was an interesting guy but not really someone you’d want hanging around. That got me thinking about Putin, and of course the Eurozone.”

6. Lesbos

“Oh the refugee crisis has been pretty awful. I’d been learning the accordian and it just fitted the subject. Phil was really into his kittens so it all came together in about half an hour.”

7. Fffffffffffffffff

“This is the last track and most of the second side. It’s a song that came about because of anger, really. Mostly anger at the left’s inability to do anything useful, and also because of the right, and the middle. Our kids are growing up to be instagram demagogues and stuff. It’s all really messed up. Anyway this song is mostly about Colin, because he’s the bassist.”

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Novels Of The Year SO FAR

Here are the best novels of 2016, as read by men and women. More coming soon!

Come Quickly Tramline – Corrensey O’Danielson (Guavo)

In this, O’Danielson’s 4th novel in the “Chronicles of The Dark Saga” series, Tramline O’Donahue has reached his mid-teens and Dublin is changing all around him. Revolution is in the air, and the children of Glahar are in bloom. All in all, things are going well. But a dark cloud looms over the horizon.

In a departure from the previous entries in the series, this novel ignores hard grit and dark realism and focuses instead on Tramline’s quest to become the greatest starfighter Dublin has ever known.

I’ve always been a fan of Chronicles of The Dark Saga Series books and this episode, though a departure from what we’ve seen before, represents a new start for O’Danielson. I give it 87%. – Will Self,  book reader and writer.

Woe betide, my sweet nightwatchman – Caltech N’guyun (ClaspDeHanso/Mopress)

From the dark streets of Calcutta, New Mexico to the familier skyline of Alfred Nobel, Caltech N’guyun’s new novel takes the reader on an epic journey of emotion, understanding and travel.

Like her previous work, Lufthansa By Proxy, Woe Betide... is more a thinkpiece than a novel; more a treatise than a story. And yet it is all these things and more.

Have you ever read a book, and then not been sure if you’re read it, and so read it again? It’s a bit like that, only in a good way. – Phillip Schofield, puppeteer.

Diaspora Christofferson – Vimto del Naja (Asparagus)

The Star Wars Episode I The Phantom Menace: The Expanded Visual Dictionary gives you everything you want to know about the story. This expanded edition has a fresh new design throughout and includes 32 brand new pages with more photos, more details and more amazing facts. Find out all about the creatures, weapons, and equipment from Episode I. From podracers to Gungan battle equipment and droidekas. Come face-to-face with key characters from Anakin and Queen Amidala, to Chancellor Valorum and the comical Jar Jar Binks.

Great book – my 6 year old son just loves it, especially as it has a picture of Darth Maul on the front and my Son is obsessed with Darth Maul :-) – David Attenborough, human



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