5 Jeff Goldblum Films featuring substantial IT failures


goldblumIT1) Insubstantially vetted IT Contractor Who Writes An Inproperly Audited Nonstandard Security System With Backdoors And Single Points Of Failure Park

2)  The Perils Of Having Your Alien Mothership Run on Single-User System Written In the 1980s Day

3) The Lost World: Oh no we’re still dealing with the fall out of the Insubstantially vetted IT Contractor Park

4) Honey For Some Reason My Teleporter’s Computer Cares More About DNA Splicing Than Is Probably Necessary

5) The Grand There Aren’t Any Computers In This Hotel


Next week: Michael Ironside!

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1) Spent at least 3 months already working there

Before each job interview, remember that you must already want to work there so much that you probably already work there. Otherwise, how would you know how much you want to work there? This is a great way to find out about the company culture and their products, as well as whether or not you are suitable for the job in question.

Alan Oboe, CIO, Interactive Rabbit: “Already having a job there shows commitment and passion. I would certainly think twice at employing someone I didn’t already employ unless they sucked, maybe”

2) Do not climb out of the window during the interview if you don’t have a pass to get out

Companies frown on this; they have spent a lot of time and money providing doors for their employees and visitors to enter and exit the building at will. Climbing out of the window implies that not only do you not care about this but you are also a maverick risk taker, and most companies do not want this. Furthermore, sometimes the windows are not on the ground floor, making this technique physically dangerous.

Klondike Delphi, Procurement Advisor at Elvis Xbox; “I would certainly think twice about employing someone who climbed out of a window. However, if they climbed in through the window, that would show ingenuity; though maybe it depends on which window”

3) Prepare some stock answers

Remember; at the interview the potential employer wants to know the real you, so it is a good idea to prepare some stock answers to make it harder for them to find this out. For example, when they ask how you might have resolved a conflict, it is best to not mention the time you killed a man.

Chester Kohandis, chief recruiter at Barclay Barclay Abs Consulting says “the best candidates look like they can think on their feet by preparing a complex yet consistent web of lies to create the impression of a suitable human being.”

4) Wear shoes

Listen: you aren’t some kind of mad hippy! Wear some damn shoes! It’s well known that 47% of first impressions are down to feet. The only time it is acceptable to not wear shoes is if you have fantastic feet – and even then, it’s best to ask beforehand.

Dole Vandatch, CEO, Aspire Systematics: “We used to get a lot of candidates without shoes on until we started to put a layer of broken glass outside our interview room.”

5) Do not fart unless the interviewer farts first

That’s just politeness.

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5 People You Won’t Believe Actually Don’t Exist??

1) The Queen

The Queen is an old woman who lives in big houses and all she does is wear a big hat. Think about it: the cat in the hat isn’t real, the Mad Hatter isn’t real, the rock band Queen aren’t real, the old woman who lives in a shoe isn’t real – so why is the Queen?? Think about it. Think.

2) Batman

Despite documentary evidence, including drawings dating back to the 1930s, Batman does not exist. He is actually the product of comics artist DC “Bruce” Wayne “Comics”, a popular shamen from Metropolis.

3) The Fresh Prince

The Fresh Prince is not real, he is a character in a TV show. However, the actor Will Smith is real, although nothing else is.

1) Me

This article was pre-written by a computer. Also, you imagined it.

2) You

You do not exist. I imagined you, after you imagined me. Perhaps. This explains the general half-arsedness of this article. If you were real you would have imagined something better.

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