I’m going to review Leicester’s Mayoral candidates statements in order they are in the little book I got. You can read along here if you like:
Barbara Potter, Leicester Independent Councillors Against Cuts
Leicester Independent Councillors Against Cuts are against cuts. She thinks that YOU are also AGAINST cuts. Which YOU probably are generally. I think they’re basically Labour defectors who have mad socialist ideas like “not gutting public services” and “socialism”. Anyway she is bothered about traffic and maybe even voting the Mayor away because who needs it anyway? AND CAPITAL LETTERS. and also YOU
Peter Soulsby, Labour
Sir Peter Soulsby is currently both Mayor and Emperor of Leicester. He is both loved (by his wife) and reviled (also by his wife) and was elected 4 years ago on a platform of being in the Labour Party. Sir Pete, or Spete, boasts about how he hasn’t shut all the libraries yet and we still have bin men. He promises 3000 more jobs (before or after the ones lost at the council?) and houses and sunshine and happiness. He offers an “ambitious vision of Leicester’s future” which given the pedestrian nature of his stated aims scares me somewhat
Adrian Barnes, Liberal Democrats
Adrian wears glasses. He has a nice black suit and a purple tie. He is on a yellow background. He wants to be mayor of Leicester. His statement is written at a slight angle, to give the appearance of a letter written on a separate piece of paper. He will work really hard.
Willem “Dutch” Veldhuizen, UK Independence Party
Willem “Dutch” Veldhuizen – not to be confused with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character in Predator - is not Dutch. He is British. And will stay that way. He just has a Dutch name and is called Dutch. Like Dutch out of Predator, however, he has been in a warzone, and is against uncontrolled immigration. He has done all of the jobs, including being an Investment Analyst, which has made him good economics but not at writing. He is fighting his campaigns on the twin evils of political corruption and bus lanes and his pages look a bit like a royal wedding commemorative tea towel.
Avtar Singh, Independent
Avtar does not have a photo and his pages are just text – and yet this is still much more interesting than the Lib Dem pages. He’s an anti-politics politician who likes e-petitions and direct democracy. His suggestions – which will not be forced! – and include building an underground railway – have been brilliantly thought out over about half an hour. He is mad. I like him.
Tim Grayson, Green Party
Tim lives in Leicester. Tim speaks in the third person, and joined the Green party because he is normal and they are normal. His ideas about direct democracy and voting are suspiciously similar to Avtar Singh’s which makes me wonder whether they are the same person trying to hedge their bets. His policies are basically the kind of stuff that the Labour party talked about and did in the olden days before someone said “but who is making money off this??” and they were like “you’re right what an unsustainable idea lets sell off the buses to large multinationals”
Paul Bremner, Conservatives
Paul thinks Leicester school’s are rubbish and that’s Labours fault. He will sort that out. Paul reckons all the types of business in the world (small, medium and large) will want to set up in Leicester because the current government is so awesome. He also wants a referendum on his own job, which is a bad career move, but then he also says he’s not a career politician so that makes sense.
Please partake in the following quiz to determine who you should vote for in the next General Election which is happening in your future.
1) Are you a racist?
a) Yes, I am a massive racist
b) No, I am not a racist
c) I am not a racist I just like some racist things stop saying that makes me a racist
2) Whose fault was that whole recession thing?
a) The Bankers, colluding with a cryogenically frozen copy of Hitler’s brain
b) Gordon Brown, working alone
c) Oh loads of things; bad loans, bad regulation, bad decisions… too much emphasis on the banking sector; Spider-Man 3; the release of the iPhone; Twitter; cheap credit; bad debt
d) Foreigners. and Gordon Brown. And the bankers. And Spider-Man 3.
3) A large megacorporation wants to do some fracking in your garden
a) That’s great; I can use the extra income from the fracking to invest in wealth creation
b) No way! Fracking is bad. Offer to put a wind turbine there instead
c) Something about banks
4) You have been diagnosed with a serious yet hilarious illness and have to go and see your GP. You know that you would not be able to afford the treatment yourself. Would you prefer
a) Free prescriptions for all hard-working families and everyone I know and like
b) It is my fault I am poor; I will die quietly so as not to be a burden upon my superior humans
c) Some kind of very complicated insurance system like they have in america only a bit better maybe I don’t know it’s quite complicated
d) A referendum about staying in the EU
e) GO NORTH
5) You go north. You are in a courtyard. To the left is a WIZARD. On the floor is a MANIFESTO. You are holding a VOTING SLIP
a) GO SOUTH
b) USE MANIFESTO
c) KILL WIZARD
Mostly As: You go SOUTH. You are back in the hospital. It is empty. On the floor is a KIDNEY DIALYSIS MACHINE
Mostly Bs: You use the manifesto, but it has no effect.
Mostly Cs: You kill the wizard, who was actually a metaphor for the political system. There is a riot and you are killed.