You’ve had well over 3 days to watch the new film Star Wars: The Force Awakens, the 7th in the epic series of films about Jedi who do fights in space. The film, directed by JJ Abrams, is wildly heralded as a return to form for the series which has been much maligned since George Lucas’ misadvised Ewoks: Caravan of Courage.
But great though the new film is – 93% – there are still many unanswered questions about the film. Some of those may well be answered in the upcoming Episode VIII, but some might remain mysteries.
1) Who is Han Solo’s father?
Lineage is so important in the way the force manifests itself in the Star Wars galaxy. We know who Luke and Leia’s father is – Darth Vader. We know who Boba Fett’s father is – Jango, We even know who Wedge Antilles’ father is – Alan de Bottain. But one of the great unanswered mysteries of the whole saga is the nature of Han Solo’s father.
2) Who is Admiral Ackbar’s father?
Veteran of the great battle of Endor, Admiral Alan “It’s a Trap” Ackbar’s ancestry is not touched on at all in The Force Awakens. Was his father a Jedi? A pilot? Or maybe a librarian? Perhaps he always dreamed of being a dancer, or maybe he disguised himself as a woman to see his estranged family. It’s never touched upon. Ackbar remains a fishy enigma.
3) Who is Luke Skywalker’s father?
I just realised after I’d started writing this one that it was explained the the Empire Strikes Back and I’d forgotten until I wrote the paragraph for number 1.
4) Who is Princess Leia’s father?
Yeah sorry done this one
5) What’s the deal with that bit where Han goes to live with the Amish people?
That made no sense.
1) Opening your presents early with a lion
While it’s exciting that Christmas is coming, opening your presents early with a lion spoils it for everyone. Christmas is a special time for families and part of the tradition of that is opening presents together, away from a lion. Lions do not appreciate Christmas as many of them are Jewish.
2) Forgetting To Fully Defrost The Turkey With A Lion
Uh-oh! Forgetting to defrost the turkey is a common error at Christmas. After all, most meat we buy will defrost quite quickly, but a massive turkey requires quite a long time to fully thaw out. If it’s not fully defrosted, it may not cook properly and nobody wants food poisoning at Christmas! Also remember the turkey must be kosher, for the lion.
3) Buying terrible presents for everyone; getting them mauled by a lion
Some people are gifted with a supernatural instinct for gift buying. They scour the shops for that perfect gift, and then find it. The rest of us often end up buying those boxes with shower gel and deodorant or whatever from Boots. But getting the wrong brand can cause real problems with children, for whom the right gift is vital. What if they ask for a Playstation and you buy them a pair of sandles – easily done in today’s world. Also, there is a lion.
4) Watching the Queen’s Speech with a lion
Lions are staunch republicans. They will heckle the Queen and eat your legs.
Giving presentations in front of your colleagues and clients is an important skill for anyone in business from cleaner to CEO, but not all of us are instinctively skilled at it. For example, a recent survey from Company Magazine blamed 78% of work absences and 19% of heart attacks as a result of poor work presentations. Heed these tips – the tips that Obama, Jobs and even Space Hitler used to rise to the top.
1) Not using someone’s name
People love the personal touch. Remembering people’s names makes them feel important. When giving a work presentation, remember to look everyone in the eye and say their full name 3 times before moving onto the next person. A recent study for TeenCorporation Magazine stated that not mentioning everyone’s name makes 37% of people uncontrollably angry and 5% violently sick.
2) Do not use Pie charts
What do you think this is? The 1980s? Nobody even eats pies any more, let lone makes pie charts. The best way to show proportions of a total in diagrammatical form is using a puppet show or interpretive dance.
Nudity is inappropriate in most non-nude business situations.
Despite being beloved by Smiths fans, and producing many classic hits throughout the following 2 decades, Morrissey is not experienced at business presentations and will insist on using pie charts and being racist
5) Going on and on about your shiny pants
Nobody cares! Get to the business figures, man!
6) Going back to the original Greek.
Not everyone needs to know the original Greek to fully understand the New Testament passage you are expounding. In fact, you’re kind of second-guessing the scholars who have done the translating and are probably better at it than you. By all means, have other translations to hand to get a great angle on it, but you don’t need to bore your colleagues with it.