Category Archives: vaguely amusing ramblings

The Stars In Space, She Cried

Digging in the archives of we have unearthed an unpublished edition of the first chapter of the novel The Stars In Space She Cried by author T. Hermann T. T. Heimlich. Born in New York City in 1921 Heimlich worked as a car salesman for 17 years sending short stories to Incredible Weirdness and Weirdness Fantasy magazines before hitting the big time with his Backspace Trilogy in 1951. He died eventually in 1982

The Harrison Converter span up, taking Caspian by surprise. It had been a long time since he had seen one of them working; they had been superseded by the superior McKenzie Defibrillator at some time in the ‘30s. The Harrison Converter was a simple device, he remembered, for converting disrupted ions into the polar reverse; the upshot of this was that for the first time mankind had a usable anti-gravity device. Soon after it’s invention, humans had for the first time been able to colonise the solar system.

Caspian examined the Converter. “It’s working now,” he said.

Kelvin nodded. “Thanks, Caspian,” she said.

Kelvin was a woman of around 30. Caspian found her incredibly attractive, with long, blonde hair and stunning figure, he noted to himself. I heard that in the past they didn’t even let women be work in space let alone people’s bosses, he remembered, but I suppose if you’re going to give robots rights you might as well give them to women.

He advanced his Psy-Clasp to decrease the chances of his thoughts being read as they passed through the high altitude Raspian field. There had been plenty of tales, possibly apocryphal, of the Sol-Police using the brain wave distortion inherent in crossing the field to read the minds of passing individuals and Caspian was taking no chances.

“Hold my hand” he said to Kelvin. She nodded. They stepped into the Raspian field.

Suddenly the ship lurched to the left. “The Olmos!” she cried out, “they’ve found us!”

It had been a long time since The Olmos had been seen in remote space, let alone close space. Why would they have come here? Stupid! He took a Harrison Converter through a Raspian field. That was never going to work without creating some kind of Selz ripples throughout the galaxy – exactly the kind of Selz ripples the Olmos fed on. Coupling that with the magnification from the higher rating on the Psy-Clasp, it was inevitable. He swore loudly at his own idiocy. In the past, he remembered, it would have been really rude to swear when ladies were present. Now women were almost equal, it was the least of his worries.

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New Javascript Framework: Bois=JS

Why a new Javascript Framework?

There’s lot of javascript frameworks around – CrampJS, Lewjs, js0nwt, Drainage to name a few – and all fit a particular niche within the front end dev community. But these all have a steep learning curve & are probably designed by crazy people.

Bois=JS is a quick,performant, learnant and agiliant framework which works on the following paradigm: Extensible, Extended, Extant. It uses SOLID principles, HOLO principles and seperates front from back in a way that is desirable for modern, universal systems. It uses XML to provide a consistant interface. It is also orange.

How does Bois=JS work?

<bois wrapper="G">
<div method=44>
 <method type="int" return="click">
   ...insert your Javascript here
The Bois=JS "Thunking" PreProcessorThe Bois=JS “Thunking” PreProcessor

Tell me more!

Bois=JS leverages modern development paradigms to extend reality beyond 19.

It is

  • Open source
  • Leveraged
  • Ajax-compliant, Redux compliant, flavoursome
  • Runs on all compatible machines
  • Free

How do I install it?

Using npm

apt-get install npm
npm install boisjs --definitely --now --return

Using bower

apt-get install npm
npm install bower
bower install boisjs --now --please --ok

Using kon-pak

apt-get install npm
npm install bower
bower install kp --now --please --ok
kp --requirement /boisjs !!! 500 return


apt-get install npm
npm install bower
bower install kp --now --please --ok
kp --requirement /insterslice!!! 500 return
npm install bower
bower install kp --now --please --ok
kp --requirement /insterslice!!! 500 return
npm install bower
bower install kp --now --please --ok
kp --requirement /insterslice!!! 500 return

Or compile from source, whatever.

94% of installs will get an obscure Disabled dependancy review error which we will probably address at some point. A quick workaround can be found probably.


Bois-JS has an API. Full documentation will be finished as soon as version 2 replaces it.


Be careful not to overuse the G parameter. While the G parameter is integral to how Bois=JS works, using it more than once will result in your program being so slow that it will melt most mobile devices. If you need to work around this, simply use normal Javascript. The same goes for all of the framework. On the other hand, don’t do this because otherwise why bother using the framework.


  • Dave
  • Carlos Internet
  • Dave (another Dave)
  • Konstantin Cobra
  • Klondike Roger
  • “Third” Dave
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Please partake in the following quiz to determine who you should vote for in the next General Election which is happening in your future.

1) Are you a racist?
a) Yes, I am a massive racist
b) No, I am not a racist
c) I am not a racist I just like some racist things stop saying that makes me a racist

2) Whose fault was that whole recession thing?
a) The Bankers, colluding with a cryogenically frozen copy of Hitler’s brain
b) Gordon Brown, working alone
c) Oh loads of things; bad loans, bad regulation, bad decisions… too much emphasis on the banking sector; Spider-Man 3; the release of the iPhone; Twitter; cheap credit; bad debt
d) Foreigners. and Gordon Brown. And the bankers. And Spider-Man 3.

3) A large megacorporation wants to do some fracking in your garden
a) That’s great; I can use the extra income from the fracking to invest in wealth creation
b) No way! Fracking is bad. Offer to put a wind turbine there instead
c) Something about banks

4) You have been diagnosed with a serious yet hilarious illness and have to go and see your GP. You know that you would not be able to afford the treatment yourself. Would you prefer
a) Free prescriptions for all hard-working families and everyone I know and like
b) It is my fault I am poor; I will die quietly so as not to be a burden upon my superior humans
c) Some kind of very complicated insurance system like they have in america only a bit better maybe I don’t know it’s quite complicated
d) A referendum about staying in the EU

5) You go north. You are in a courtyard. To the left is a WIZARD. On the floor is a MANIFESTO. You are holding a VOTING SLIP

Mostly As: You go SOUTH. You are back in the hospital. It is empty. On the floor is a KIDNEY DIALYSIS MACHINE
Mostly Bs: You use the manifesto, but it has no effect.
Mostly Cs: You kill the wizard, who was actually a metaphor for the political system. There is a riot and you are killed. 

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New features in PHP7

PHP 7 is coming out soon and is a great improvement on previous versions. There’s been a lot of great movement in the community with plenty of RFCs and the language is definitely moving in the right direction.

Here are some great features that you’ll really want to know about

Support for hats

PHP 7 comes with support for a variety of hats. How? Use this handy method get_hat().

Support for 6

The number 6 is now fully supported in PHP7. Previous uses of the number 6 would result in a T_UNEXPECTED_CHWE error but now they can be inserted into code like any other number. For backwards compatibility two 3 or half a 12 can still be used but these methods will throw a deprecated notice.

get_hat method deprecated

The get_hat method introduced in PHP7 has been deprecated. Use get_hat_real() instead.

new error type E_RETHINK_YOUR_LIFE

A warning for WordPress developers.

Support for line numbers

Following PHP 5.3′s introduction of the goto operator PHP7 now features line numbers. Also available are peek and poke functions, plus the ability to switch into Teletext Mode 7.

Licking your own elbows

PHP7 can lick your own elbows so you no longer need to use the ternary operator.

Reverse execution mode

Add define(“execution_mode”, M_REVERSE); to the top of some files sometimes to set execution mode into reverse. The op-code cache has been completely re-written to allow both forward, reverse and random execution sequences.

Alex Kidd in Miracle World built-in

Hold down A+B+C to play the Sega classic!

get_hat_real() method deprecated

Hats are no longer recommended and will be removed from the next version of PHP. Wearing a hat will result in a E_NOTICE_PROBLEM exception.

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Here is an excerpt from the new draft of the script by me.

SCENE: The future. We are in space. Then we pan back – we are actually in a garden. We pan back some more. A garden in a space ship! A woman is sat there with a girl of about 10. The woman is our heroine ELLEN RIPLEY.

RIPLEY: I’m so glad I managed to get back in time for your 11th birthday. I had an awful nightmare where I couldn’t because of an alien or something.

AMANDA: That’s OK Mom. You got home after an uneventful mission doing mining or whatever it is you do in space. And now we can live happily ever after and stuff.

RIPLEY: Yes. Wait…

RIPLEY winces. She clutches her stomach. It is as if something is trying to burst out of her!! A passing cat hisses. AMANDA screams as we see a bulge in RIPLEY’S stomach


Another spaceship. RIPLEY is now older. It’s the SULACO! The one they’re in in Aliens. HICKS and NEWT and BISHOP are there too! BISHOP has fixed himself.

RIPLEY: What an awful dream. I dreamt that none of this had happened, and then it had. It didn’t make much sense, but it certainly set the scene.

HICKS: Yes. The vivid one about the prison planet where we all died? Or the more confusing one where you died and there was Winona Ryder? Never mind; it was all a dream and it Never Happened.

RIPLEY: Yes; all that happened was the first 2 traumatic things with the aliens, which is much more tolerable. I sure hope no aliens got on board this ship.

BISHOP: That wouldn’t make any sense. The only thing that would make any sense was that this was all a bad, bad dream.

RIPLEY: Wait a second – this is a dream – I’m in my underwear!

BISHOP: Yes; you’ve just come out of cryosleep.

RIPLEY: And I’m in an exam!

RIPLEY is in an EXAM

The person in front of her turns around. It’s an alien! 

ALIEN: Hisssssssssss

A CAT: Hissssssss

BISHOP: Hisssssssss

RIPLEY wakes up. She is on the set of Alien Vs Predator.

RIPLEY: NO! Noooo!!!!

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Things You Might Remember If You Were 2000s Young Adult

1) Internet Explorer 6


You know you were a 2000s young adult if you used Microsoft Internet Explorer 6! Released to coincide with the launch of Microsoft Windows XP, IE 6 was the de facto standard browser for over 5 years! Featuring substantial improvements over IE 5.5 it implemented loads of new web standards in a kind of half-arsed way! IE 6 lingered on for most of the decade in corporate intranets and your dad’s house before collapsing in a pile of ActiveX plugins, outdated web standards support and filth.

2) Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith


If you were a 2000s young adult, you’ll remember the anticipation leading up to the release of the final Star Wars prequel Revenge of the Sith! Remember how everyone was like “Yeah we said Attack of the Clones was good but we were wrong about that in retrospect but this is definitely good!” Also: Indiana Jones and maybe Superman Returns.

3) When Wispa bars disappeared and then came back

Cadbury’s popular Wispa bar was first launched in the 80s and was a delicious staple in the Dairy Milk-based catalogue until evil Cadbury-Schweppes (as it was then) CEO Colin McNasty withdrew it in early 2003. It returned in 2007 thanks to lots of people realising Aeros aren’t as good

4) Youthful Optimism

If you were a 2000s Young Adult you’ll remember the youthful optimism that you had before it was crushed out of you by the world of work and the realities of relationships! You’ll remember how friendships you made in your late teens seemed incredibly important but you’ve not seen any of them in over half a decade! You see your parents ageing and don’t know how to cope and it reminds you of your mortality! You’re constantly reminded how everyone slightly younger than you has it worse off than you and yet everything seems like a financial struggle and you’ll never own a house.

5) The Libertines


Their second album was actually awful. Seriously, it’s terrible.

6) When everyone slightly younger than you joined Facebook, but you couldn’t because you’d just graduated and it was only open to students and then you did join and then your Mum joined

7) This Google homepage


8) Buying 2 DVDs for £25 in Zavvi

Remember Zavvi? Imagine if someone bought all the Virgin Megastores and put green signs saying “Zavvi” on them instead! That’s what Zavvi was like to whole generation of 2000s young adults for the 2 or 3 years that it existed. You felt like you should be buying your music on iTunes and yet you still felt a teenage nostalgia for browsing racks of CDs, which you would then order off amazon (who weren’t evil then) instead.

What could be a bigger sign of both the financial crisis and the move to internet sales and cheap disposable media content than the collapse of Zavvi? Well maybe the collapse of Woolworths but they sold kids shoes and ironing boards too so whatever.



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