4 MOST DANGEROUS ROADS IN THE WORLD – Number 3 will make you poo your pants!

 1) Death Bridge, Londontowerbridge2

Death Bridge in London was opened in 1943 in order to confuse potential nazi invaders. To cross it drivers must accelerate to 90 miles an hour, ride up the side and go across the top or turn into a boat.

2) The (Death) Science Lab, Micro Machines 96

sciencelab

This road is incredibly dangerous; you have to wait until the sponges line up.

3) Death Avenue, San Diego

dinosaurBuilt in 1742 by early Spanish settlers, Death Avenue features flying cars and dinosaurs. In those days, travellers used to take extra horses to feed to the dinosaur, but tourists these days are simple advised to carry surplus steaks. It’s much safer these days but still 19 people die there each day.

4) Death Boat Roaddeathboat

The only road to cross the Pacific, Death Boat Road is a floating road. Not only does that mean it sways from side to side in choppy weather, but it also features a large number of gaps between sections and also the risk of fighter jets landing on you. It’s certainly not for the faint hearted!

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Top 6 Forgotten Horror Films From The Past

1) I Eat Your Grave! (Sergio Lorenzo, 1976)

If “Once, Twice, Three Times I Kill” is Giallos’s Citizen Kane, then surely Lorenzo’s “I Eat Your Grave” is it’s Magnificent Ambersons. Like Orson Welles, Lorenzo’s lesser known follow-up was butchered, both literally and metaphorically, by his producer Klaus.

Clocking in at over 19 hours, Lorenzo’s masterpiece features Pachinko Robinson as civil servant Hatvil Unger who, while investigating who has stolen his wife, finds himself trapped in a dark netherworld of intrigue, murder and despair. Sadly the original soundtrack, like Lorenzo himself, is presumed dead.

2) Death Mountain (Karl Hurwitz, 1980)

Like many of the copycats of George Romero’s Dead series, Death Mountain was initially ignored by critics and audiences alike. It was only in the late 1990s, after it was accidentally screened on Channel 5 on a Sunday afternoon, that it began to gain a cult following.

Featuring Thom Yorke in an early role, Death Mountain presents a dark apocalyptic nightmare in which dead cats return from the dead and stalk their previous masters. Sadly, the original opening scene – featuring 3 Hitlers on their death beds – has been lost, though the European cut does feature a scene with a robot in.

3) My Mother Is A Teen Aged Monster! (Alfred Oleg, 1956)

After being cursed by carnival dentist Roger Halloway, down-to-earth housewife is transformed into a 17-year-old fan of rock-and-roll music and eating corpses in this mid-century shocker.

The film, starring anonymous, so shocked 50s America that is was banned and hastily recut as the more well-known My Mother Disappeared For A Week.

Oleg’s career never really recovered, and his last credited directing job happened soon after.

4) SpikeFace Assassin (Clive Axel & Yuki Yakamoto, 1990)

Predating the Playstation by 5 years, SpikeFace Assassin combines the twin joys of that guy with the Spikey Face from Hellraiser with being a ninja. Devised by the twin  minds of cyberpunk heros Clive Axel and his alter-ego Yuki Yakamoto, the film epitomises the 1990s in a way that has not been seen before or since (the 1990s).

5) Line 20: Goto Death (Everead Kalede, 1988)

After a chance meeting with a spooky travelling hobo games developer, 19-year-old geek Gavin Humbrell gets drawn into a death-related text adventure. If he reaches the end, his prize is success with girls; if he dies – he really dies.

This incredibly authentic computer-related thriller featured a 20 minute title sequence and a deliberately faulty batch of reels that never loaded.

6) Man slices another man’s face off (unknown, 1898)

This film was found buried in a box in the back of a creepy house.

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Time For Election Reform?

The International Office ThinkTank of Ideation, an independent think tank run by me, has thought about the following electoral reforms which it will formally submit to some guy in time for the 2020 election.

We built a giant robot to use data and complex simulations to determine the pluses and minuses of each result. Full analysis of the algorithm and data sets are available within the robot. We cannot switch it off. It is coming.

1) A Giant Robot reads all the manifestos and calculates using science which will be best and selects MPs based on this.

CON: Cold analytical utilitarian approach to data may well result in the death of millions.
PRO: Improved economic growth and a strong manufacturing base.

2) A Giant Robot reads all the manifestos and calculates using science which will be best and selects MPs based on this.

CON: Cold analytical utilitarian approach to data may well result in the death of millions.
PRO: Improved economic growth and a strong manufacturing base.

3) A Giant Robot reads all the manifestos and calculates using science which will be best and selects MPs based on this.

CON: Cold analytical utilitarian approach to data may well result in the death of millions.
PRO: Improved economic growth and a strong manufacturing base.

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Leicester Mayor-Off

I’m going to review Leicester’s Mayoral candidates statements in order they are in the little book I got. You can read along here if you like: 

Barbara Potter, Leicester Independent Councillors Against Cuts

Leicester Independent Councillors Against Cuts are against cuts. She thinks that YOU are also AGAINST cuts. Which YOU probably are generally. I think they’re basically Labour defectors who have mad socialist ideas like “not gutting public services” and “socialism”. Anyway she is bothered about traffic and maybe even voting the Mayor away because who needs it anyway? AND CAPITAL LETTERS. and also YOU

Peter Soulsby, Labour

Sir Peter Soulsby is currently both Mayor and Emperor of Leicester.  He is both loved (by his wife) and reviled (also by his wife) and was elected 4 years ago on a platform of being in the Labour Party. Sir Pete, or Spete, boasts about how he hasn’t shut all the libraries yet and we still have bin men. He promises 3000 more jobs (before or after the ones lost at the council?) and houses and sunshine and happiness. He offers an “ambitious vision of Leicester’s future” which given the pedestrian nature of his stated aims scares me somewhat

Adrian Barnes, Liberal Democrats

Adrian wears glasses. He has a nice black suit and a purple tie. He is on a yellow background. He wants to be mayor of Leicester. His statement is written at a slight angle, to give the appearance of a letter written on a separate piece of paper. He will work really hard.

Willem “Dutch” Veldhuizen, UK Independence Party

Willem “Dutch” Veldhuizen – not to be confused with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character in Predator  - is not Dutch. He is British. And will stay that way. He just has a Dutch name and is called Dutch. Like Dutch out of Predator, however, he has been in a warzone, and is against uncontrolled immigration. He has done all of the jobs, including being an Investment Analyst, which has made him good economics but not at writing. He is fighting his campaigns on the twin evils of political corruption and bus lanes and his pages look a bit like a royal wedding commemorative tea towel.

Avtar Singh, Independent

Avtar does not have  a photo and his pages are just text – and yet this is still much more interesting than the Lib Dem pages. He’s an anti-politics politician who likes e-petitions and direct democracy. His suggestions – which will not be forced! – and include building an underground railway – have been brilliantly thought out over about half an hour. He is mad. I like him.

Tim Grayson, Green Party

Tim lives in Leicester. Tim speaks in the third person, and joined the Green party because he is normal and they are normal. His ideas about direct democracy and voting are suspiciously similar to Avtar Singh’s which makes me wonder whether they are the same person trying to hedge their bets. His policies are basically the kind of stuff that the Labour party talked about and did in the olden days before someone said “but who is making money off this??” and they were like “you’re right what an unsustainable idea lets sell off the buses to large multinationals”

Paul Bremner, Conservatives

Paul thinks Leicester school’s are rubbish and that’s Labours fault. He will sort that out. Paul reckons all the types of business in the world (small, medium and large) will want to set up in Leicester because the current government is so awesome. He also wants a referendum on his own job, which is a bad career move, but then he also says he’s not a career politician so that makes sense.

 

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Vote-Me-Quiz

Please partake in the following quiz to determine who you should vote for in the next General Election which is happening in your future.

1) Are you a racist?
a) Yes, I am a massive racist
b) No, I am not a racist
c) I am not a racist I just like some racist things stop saying that makes me a racist

2) Whose fault was that whole recession thing?
a) The Bankers, colluding with a cryogenically frozen copy of Hitler’s brain
b) Gordon Brown, working alone
c) Oh loads of things; bad loans, bad regulation, bad decisions… too much emphasis on the banking sector; Spider-Man 3; the release of the iPhone; Twitter; cheap credit; bad debt
d) Foreigners. and Gordon Brown. And the bankers. And Spider-Man 3.

3) A large megacorporation wants to do some fracking in your garden
a) That’s great; I can use the extra income from the fracking to invest in wealth creation
b) No way! Fracking is bad. Offer to put a wind turbine there instead
c) Something about banks

4) You have been diagnosed with a serious yet hilarious illness and have to go and see your GP. You know that you would not be able to afford the treatment yourself. Would you prefer
a) Free prescriptions for all hard-working families and everyone I know and like
b) It is my fault I am poor; I will die quietly so as not to be a burden upon my superior humans
c) Some kind of very complicated insurance system like they have in america only a bit better maybe I don’t know it’s quite complicated
d) A referendum about staying in the EU
e) GO NORTH

5) You go north. You are in a courtyard. To the left is a WIZARD. On the floor is a MANIFESTO. You are holding a VOTING SLIP
a) GO SOUTH
b) USE MANIFESTO
c) KILL WIZARD

Mostly As: You go SOUTH. You are back in the hospital. It is empty. On the floor is a KIDNEY DIALYSIS MACHINE
Mostly Bs: You use the manifesto, but it has no effect.
Mostly Cs: You kill the wizard, who was actually a metaphor for the political system. There is a riot and you are killed. 

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