You’ve had well over 3 days to watch the new film Star Wars: The Force Awakens, the 7th in the epic series of films about Jedi who do fights in space. The film, directed by JJ Abrams, is wildly heralded as a return to form for the series which has been much maligned since George Lucas’ misadvised Ewoks: Caravan of Courage.

But great though the new film is – 93% – there are still many unanswered questions about the film. Some of those may well be answered in the upcoming Episode VIII, but some might remain mysteries.

1) Who is Han Solo’s father?

Lineage is so important in the way the force manifests itself in the Star Wars galaxy. We know who Luke and Leia’s father is – Darth Vader. We know who Boba Fett’s father is – Jango, We even know who Wedge Antilles’ father is – Alan de Bottain. But one of the great unanswered mysteries of the whole saga is the nature of Han Solo’s father.

2) Who is Admiral Ackbar’s father?

Veteran of the great battle of Endor, Admiral Alan “It’s a Trap” Ackbar’s ancestry is not touched on at all in The Force Awakens. Was his father a Jedi? A pilot? Or maybe a librarian? Perhaps he always dreamed of being a dancer, or maybe he disguised himself as a woman to see his estranged family. It’s never touched upon. Ackbar remains a fishy enigma.

3) Who is Luke Skywalker’s father?

I just realised after I’d started writing this one that it was explained the the Empire Strikes Back and I’d forgotten until I wrote the paragraph for number 1.

4) Who is Princess Leia’s father?

Yeah sorry done this one

5) What’s the deal with that bit where Han goes to live with the Amish people?

That made no sense.

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1) Opening your presents early with a lion

While it’s exciting that Christmas is coming, opening your presents early with a lion spoils it for everyone.  Christmas is a special time for families and part of the tradition of that is opening presents together, away from a lion. Lions do not appreciate Christmas as many of them are Jewish.

2) Forgetting To Fully Defrost The Turkey With A Lion

Uh-oh! Forgetting to defrost the turkey is a common error at Christmas. After all, most meat we buy will defrost quite quickly, but a massive turkey requires quite a long time to fully thaw out. If it’s not fully defrosted, it may not cook properly and nobody wants food poisoning at Christmas! Also remember the turkey must be kosher, for the lion.

3) Buying terrible presents for everyone; getting them mauled by a lion

Some people are gifted with a supernatural instinct for gift buying. They scour the shops for that perfect gift, and then find it. The rest of us often end up buying those boxes with shower gel and deodorant or whatever from Boots.  But getting the wrong brand can cause real problems with children, for whom the right gift is vital. What if they ask for a Playstation and you buy them a pair of sandles – easily done in today’s world. Also, there is a lion.

4) Watching the Queen’s Speech with a lion

Lions are staunch republicans. They will heckle the Queen and eat your legs.

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1. “I spent 10 years growing this moustache and you’d better look at it and not my dreamy social democrat eyes”

2. “Look into my tired eyes. I’m fed up of this Tory and Liberal nonsense and I just want to sleep now.”

3. “Look there’s a great depression leave me alone I’m trying really hard and my moustache is thinning. Stop giving me that look this is really difficult.”

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1) Jeremy Corbyn’s favourite TV show of all time is “Jossy’s Giants”

In an interview in 2004 Corbyn announced that his favourite TV show was 1980s BBC children’s comedy-drama “Jossy’s Giants”.  He used to cycle home from Parliament to his Islington home at 4pm every Thursday to watch the exciting football related show.  Said Corbyn “I saw myself in Jossy; a maverick, yet a maverick who could lead the Labour party. Or a football team.”

2) He doesn’t have a favourite Spice Girl

In 1997, at the height of Spice Fever, Corbyn stated at Prime Minister’s Questions “I do not have a favourite Spice Girl, nor will I ever have a favourite Spice Girl”.

His favourite former Spice Girl is Geri Halliwell.

3) When you go type “Jeremy Corbyn Your Mum” into Google Image Search for some reason this picture of him and Gerry Adams comes up and I can’t be bothered to look up the context but I’m sure it’s just a beard convention or something,

4) Jeremy Corbyn has never killed a man, or has he?

He definitely hasn’t, but once, he might have done. There are lots of things we don’t know about. Think about that.

5) Jeremy has only read one book and that book was a short biography of Terry Wogan written from the perspective of  Spandau Ballet bassist Martin Kemp which was written by Liz Kendall’s Mum

In an article for Cosmopolitan in 1989 Corbyn stated that he is generally too busy with left wing politics for reading but that he recently finished reading “Terry’s GOLD: The Life Of Terry Wogan As Told By Martin Kemp Out Of Spandau Ballet” by Mrs Kendall.

6) Jeremy Corbyn looks like a disappointed train driver

Perhaps he is disappointed that the railways are privatised. Or perhaps he is disappointed that he has to do night shifts.

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1) The English Heritage Discount – 1917 was cold (Vestige Records, 1989)

Darren “Knife” McDarreth’s is probably now best known for his seminal eclectic 1998 album “Drainage” but in his former band’s 1989 opus he sounds like the end of Thatcherite apartheid, the dawning of a new era, and a feedback static loop from hell. With Dee Da Collins guesting on theramin it’s the vestigial sound of Jupiter before it falls apart.

Best track: 1919 – warmer

2) Oh My Cretacious Jackson - Oh My Cretacious Jackson? (Truth Sounds, 1992)

Paradoxical pop-dance trio Oh My Cretacious Jackson are best known nowadays for their one-hit-wonder from the soundtrack to Super Mario Brothers, Return To The Crazy Space, but the album it featured on sank without trace. A shame, because this almost self-titled album features some of the greatest sounds you’ll hear this side of heaven, and probably irreversibly changed the nature of reality for the better.

Best track: I’m In The Bath (Who Is In The Bath?)

3) Cancel My Netflix Subscription – Most if not all (Gravy, 2012)

With the late-naughties indie boom a thing of the past it fell down to the pleasingly contemporary Cancel My Netflix Subscription (now known as Cancel My Amazon Prime Subscription) to create angular yet miserably dance rock indie ballads. Sounding like a cross between your last favourite album and your next favourite album, Most if not all shows that if indie is dead, then it’s soul has been transferred and it’s living on in the bodies of the members of Cancel

Best Track: Whence

4) 7 Gaz! – 7 Gaz 9 (Verboten, 1972)

If you ask anyone who was alive in 1972 – (which you can – many are still alive) then they will tell you amongst the West Berlin hipsters  1972 was the year of 7 Gaz 9, the East Germany’s “Krautrock” pioneers 4th album. An influence on all that followed and came before it, 7 Gaz 9 sounds like a melted glass sofa infused with a golden handshake, but in German. It still sounds like the future.

Best Track: Auf Mein Trabant

5) The Windows 95 – Grouse (Helen, 1999)

After the demise of Stormie Xerxes’ cult band Splicer, few thought that he would regroup within 6 weeks and create this, his 90-minute masterpiece Grouse. Simultaneously prog and punk, old and new, up and down, The Windows 95 proved to be as short-lived as the lawsuit brought it to it’s knees and all the albums were pulped.  Thom Yorke and Alan Moore are among the few people who still own a copy which has passed into legend through scarcity, even though it is on Spotify.

Best track: track 6

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1) The one where they forget to protect the modem from attacks by psychics in phone boxes.

2) The one where poor testing, poor separation of concerns, and increased project scope, leads to Terminator:Salvation

3) The one where they should really have just killed Quaid. That’s just an accident waiting to happen.

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1) Insubstantially vetted IT Contractor Who Writes An Inproperly Audited Nonstandard Security System With Backdoors And Single Points Of Failure Park

2)  The Perils Of Having Your Alien Mothership Run on Single-User System Written In the 1980s Day

3) The Lost World: Oh no we’re still dealing with the fall out of the Insubstantially vetted IT Contractor Park

4) Honey For Some Reason My Teleporter’s Computer Cares More About DNA Splicing Than Is Probably Necessary

5) The Grand There Aren’t Any Computers In This Hotel

Next week: Michael Ironside!

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